My Current Contribution Seems Too Small and Meaningless

A Day in the Life of an Israeli MOM: Rina Zitser
12/11/2023

I can’t believe that we are in the fifth week ABS (After Black Saturday)
Time passes by fast and slowly simultaneously. weird
Last week, my social media feed was a surreal mix of Halloween parties and ‘Hell’oween
real-time unbelievable horror. I get it; life goes on.
I try to avoid watching the horrific videos and photos as they scar my soul,
but I do it anyway as I must keep sharing them to make sure no one, ever, can deny it happened (some already think we made it up…).
I watch the blind hatred towards Jews everywhere.
I dread the day I will have to explain to my adorable 2.5-year-old grandson that people hate him for no reason. I have no idea how it will make any sense as I find no sense.

I am trying to create some new ‘normal’ routine, though nothing is ‘normal.’
I don’t think I have ever been in a standstill “being” mode as I am now. I am going crazy.
It is not that I am in freeze mode; I am doing something to feel something, to mean something.
Like many Israeli friends, I am taking care of my family, packing packages for soldiers, and helping farmers in need, but it is not enough for me.
I am losing myself, my core self, my inner joy, my playfulness, my energy.
It is not about just doing or making money; it’s about making meaning.
Death is very present, so more than ever, the big questions of life surface.
What is my purpose? Why do I matter?
My current contribution seems too small and meaningless.
I can’t help but compare it to the sacrifice of others.

I am trying to wear a smile, even if it is fake, but every day, I am finding myself in a downward spiral,
thinking how dare you not think ALL the time about ALL those who lost everything,
how selfish of you to focus on the daily, little things when there is so much pain.
So I write, it is my portal to sanity.

I have one last request.
Please stop asking how we feel; the answer is obvious. Heartbroken.
Instead, ask anyone who goes through hell, looking for a new ground, a safe harbor.
How can you help them to find meaning…to feel meaningful again?